CNN has reported early this morning, that the chickadee magnet known as Justin Bieber, has fortunately deceased. A group of medicated lifeguards said that as “the one with evil powers used to inflict fevers and diarrhea” was majestically riding dolphins at Wondrous Southhaven Seapark, he got careless…
A 75 year old female cruised by Bieber on another dolphin (-named Neecie), estimated to be travelling at speeds upwards of seventy one mph. Justin tried to work his heart-throb voodoo magic on her, with a wink. Unintelligently, he failed to notice the wake her dolphin was creating. Within seconds, he slipped off the dolphin and yipped in a high-pitched manner. This in combination with the tsunami-like wake spooked Delfie the dolphin so much, that she turned in midair to catch JB in her ‘phin beak, swallowing him in a nervous frenzy. Delfie’s dolphin trainer said there was no reason to put the creature down after the incident, because Justin Bieber was frankly becoming a huge nuisance to the seapark. The trainer told stories of the young douche bag trying to have mallicious “concerts” involving dangerous firestorms, demonswoop hairdos, and music that even makes many deaf people want to commit the self kill. This sudden stoppage of insignificant life can only be described as an act of God… The lifeguards went on to say that they didn’t feel it necessary to attempt to rescue Bieb-a-doo, because they were busy thumbwrestling and getting some rays. (Reuters have learned that those stingrays for which the lifeguards were gathering were going to be unleashed upon baby Justy, immediately after they tossed him into one of the parks empty pools.) “We wanted him gone, dude. He tried to get all of our sisters and moms to play spin the orange soda bottle and show him ‘their boobies’.”, said one L-G. The same lifeguard also added that a friend of his who was visiting the park had no idea that J-Beibz was prancing around. When he found out Bieby-Jeebie was truly within a quarter mile of him, he nearly shoved a whole trout down his throat in an effort to die…
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